Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Drew Magary On "Dad Strength"

Deadspin's Drew Magary was sent this question by a reader: "My first child is due the day after Thanksgiving. When do I get dad strength?" Magary's answer:

Not for a while. You have to spend a good amount of time carrying the child, and assembling shit for the child, and installing car seats, and loading the trunk with shit, and setting up Pack-N-Plays, and carrying bag after bag after f#$%ing bag at the airport before you've built up the requisite muscle groups for Dad strength. And even then, I'm still not sure when it officially kicks in. I'd like to think I've finally gotten my Daddy Strength belt, but that's not going to be made official until one of my children is trapped under a pickup truck and I have to lift that truck to save them from choking to death on exhaust. I plan on running my oldest over sometime next year to get a proper reading.

One of the nice things about being a Dad is when you get to flex your Dad strength in front of your kid and you can see that they're in AWE of your abilities. One time, my kid was about to throw a wet washcloth out of the tub, and I instinctively blocked the throw (DENIED!) then grabbed her and lifted her out of the tub. And she knew right at that second that I WAS NOT TO BE F#$%ING TRIFLED WITH. And then the kid tries to retaliate and starts slapping your leg and shit and you just laugh in their face. MWAHAHAHAHA! YOU THINK THAT HURTS ME? I AM BULLETPROOF.

Dad strength is best shown off in a local pool, where you can pick your kid up and throw them all over the place at will, so that other kids can see your ability to make little children fly. I wish there were a race of giants out there that could do similar things for me. I'd love to be picked up and thrown 50 yards in a pool. That would be incredible fun.

They should offer workout DVDs for single men to help them get Dad strength if they'd like to have it. You'd get a weighted baby doll you'd have to carry around, that squirms and flails ALL THE TIME. Really helps work the core. And you'd have to get under various appliances and furniture and go nuts with a screwdriver. You'd eventually get Dad strength, and I'd have the satisfaction of knowing you were dumb enough to voluntarily suffer through all the menial bullshit I have to do.

Magary is right. I am in the worst shape of my life, yet I retain almost all of my Dad strength.

-- D.S.

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